[Narrator]: Our two-handed great sword is the biggest sword we make.
[Ethan Klein Cough™]×3 But don’t let its size fool you,
[Ethan Klein Cough™]×3 as there’s nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword. – ARGH! Sure it’s big, [Ethan Klein Cough™] and meant to be carried over the shoulder in a scabbard, instead of in a belt, or baldric.
(AAARGH!) But it’s extremely well-balanced, and easily wielded of people of larger stature and physical strengths.
[Ethan Klein Cough™]×3 Argh! [intro theme plays] [Michelle Obama]: Wow, Ethan! Great moves! Keep it up, proud of you! [music fades] The sword world continues to overlook, in my opinion, the efficiency and power – and I even say, majesty – of this greatsword. – That’s a nice cut of meat you got hanging on there, on that slab, buddy. What’re you gonna do with all that meat, guy? Nice Chub n’ Tuck too, by the way.
That’s what we call the nin— the Ninja Warrior Chub n’ Tuck, dude, and this guy’s taking it to the next level. You’re bringing Chub and Tuck to athleticism. Fear and dexterity. It’s called the Ninja Chub n’ Tuck, guys. See, the big boys – they would chub and tuck and that way they had a very good center of gravity – they could tuck and roll That’s when you tuck up, and then you roll.
(AAARGH!) It’s a really nice move dude, and this guy, as you can tell, all in black, is the “ultimate” Chub N’ Tuck Ninja Warrior. Let’s see what he’s gonna do with all that meat! WOAH!!! Look at that, dude! Fuck that meat up, dude! YEAH! Fuck that meat up! [Chub N’ Tuck Guy]: Flick, flick, flick. Flick. And off comes apart 20 pounds of beef.
[Ethan mouths “20 pounds of beef”] – YEAAAAH [Ethan Klein Cough™]×2 What are yo- What is he slicing? Cinnamon sticks? OH, he fucked up the cinnamon sticks, dude! Shit!
[claps] This guy’s the real deal. [rock music riffs in background] Look at the tie, dude. The tie is the like, it’s the perfect circumference of his gooey center, dude. He’s got the body rolls and the tie just perfectly measures it out, dude. I love that look, dude! I do- I can’t tell if it’s too short or too long. It just… there’s something goin’ on with that tie and it’s really fuckin’ majestic. It’s ev- it’s even… It’s a little more magic than the sword. I’m tryin’ – I know I’m supposed to be lookin’ at the sword but that TIE! What’s happening with that tie, Hila? Is it too short or too long? [Hila]: I’d say too short. [Ethan]: Is it too short?
[Hila laughs] But then, like, he’s doing a really high … tuck. So if it was longer, it shouldn’t be past your belt. That’s the problem. He’s chubbin’ too high. And his- his tie is suffering the consequences. [more rock riffs play] [slams spacebar] WHAT THE FUCK!? Dude, you guys need to tone it down a little bit! What’s with the fuckin’ pig head!? Dude, what is this, “Lord of Flies”? This shit got a little bit too weird for me, dude. The slab of meat. I was on board with the slab of meat. But the fuckin’ pig head, dude?! What exactly are you trying to convey here? [more rock riffs] [Ethan]: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!? AHHHHHHHHH! [gagging noises] [Ethan Klein Cough™]×2 Ugh, what!? Dude! That was pretty dope, actually. He cut it right through the skull. That was cool, dude. I could actually see that being really useful in my life. [more rock music riffs] A fuckin’ boot!? Have you ever wanted to cut through a boot before? Well now you can do it with the Chub N’ Tuck Samurai Warrior super long sword cold steel long sword! I believe you, dude. You can cut through that boot. [drawn riff build up] [chopping sound] Wha-at! There’s fuckin’ meat in the boot! There’s meat in the fuckin’ boot! They shoved meat in the boot! Like how much more resistance can a fuckin’ steak add to a sword cut? They just did that to f-f-f weird me out, dude! Like the boot cut was cool, dude! Why did you have to put the steak in the boot!? What is wrong with these people? Someone actually took a steak and shoved it in the fuckin’ foot of a boot! And then that’s not enough. You have to cram it into the foot part! He crammed the fuckin’ steak… Look at this, dude! Someone shoved steaks in a boot! What the fuck!? And it’s so unexpected. It’s just like a boot. You’re like cool, dude, you’re gonna cut- you’re gonna cut the toe off the boot. But there’s a fuckin’ steak in the boot! Steak in the boot! Can we just take a minute to reflect on the fact that they put a FUCKIN’ STEAK IN THE BOOT!? Put a steak in the boot!? Steak in the boot! That’s a sight… by the way for the record, that I never expected to see in my life. I mean that was one of those times where I just like, wasn’t ready to see what I was lookin’ at. Steak in the boot, dude! It’s a steak in the boot! Classic! [Hila]: What the hell is this? [Ethan]: What? What is it? – There’s like… there’s like steak in the boot? – Heh, yeah dude. Steak-in-the-boot. – Why? Did you put it here? – It- it’s steak in the boot! That’s where I keep my steaks! – WHAT? – Yeah, dude! – It stinks! How long has it been here? – It’s been in there like a week dude. I was wondering how long it was going to take you to find it, dude. – It’s so gross! Why in my boot? – It’s steak in the boot, dude. It’s classic! C’mon! – Ew! [more rock riffs] Is there going to be steak in that fuckin’ bamboo chute? I’m going to be disappointed unless there’s pieces of meat in everything they cut up now. [rock riffs continue] No meat, dude? No meat? Not impressed. [rock riffs continue] Oh, hell yeah, dude! Fuck that water up! Fuck that water up, dude! FUCK THAT WATER, DUDE! Hell yeah! [Ethan claps] Hell yeah, dude, you fucked that water up! [Chub N’ Tuck Guy]: If you’re strong enough to wield a greatsword, it’s an enormous advantage in any fight. [Ethan]: I have to ask, dude. Are you aware of what year it is? People don’t walk around with swords any more, dude. People don’t use swords in fights any more. It’s not- Do you think he knows that? I’m not sure he knows that. [more rock riffs] More pigs! You’ve made your point, dude! How many pig heads are you gonna cut off, dude!? You guys, you’ve made your point! This video doesn’t need to be 9 minutes long, dude! You’ve already sliced up like 10 fuckin’ pigs heads! Fuck it! [rock riffs and drums] This is so obscene. Only in America, dude. Aghhh! Only in America! [Chub N’ Tuck Guy]: What more can I do to convince you to buy a greatsword? Buy Cold Steel’s greatsword. You’ll praise my name! You’re gonna love this sword! Alright, dude. You’re trying to make a sale to me. You’re doing a hard sell here and I appreciate that. And I’m going to tell you what I think. I’m going to tell you how to sell me that sword. Take it apart. Put it in a furnace. Melt it down. You’ve got aluminum. You got steel. You’ve got a lot of valuable metals there. Build something else. Anything else with it, and I’m sold, dude! I’m yours. I’m on it, dude. Thank you for the purchase; I appreciate that. I’m going to buy your product! [Narrator]: Our two-handed greatsword is the biggest sword we make. But don’t let its size fool you, as there’s nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword. Sure it’s big, and meant to be carried over the shoulder in a scabbard, instead of in a belt, or baldric. But it’s extremely well-balanced, and easily wielded of people of larger stature and physical strengths. [Hila]: Dude, what was that? Did you just have a stroke? “He’s saying these things directly to you and they’re saying them directly to you. That’s a whole other level of harassment, really.”