-Running a bit behind today. I thought
if you guys wouldn’t mind, I’d just like to write out my weekly thank you notes
right now. Is that cool with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ] Hey, James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing
music, please? [ Soft piano playing, laughter ] It’s so peaceful. -Pensive.
[ Laughter ] -Thank you, people running the New York City Marathon
this weekend. Now we can stop hearing about
how you’re going run a marathon and start hearing about
how you ran a marathon. [ Laughter and applause ]
-“I heard it went great.” -“I hit a certain point where
I didn’t think I could do it.” [ Laughter ]
“What was that?” -No, that’s great. That’s great. -“Yeah, I just didn’t —
There was no way, man. I was like,
‘There’s no way I can do it.'” -Right.
-“But I did it.” -Oh, sure, yeah.
-“Yeah.” -That’s great.
[ Laughter ] -Thank you, Bitcoin, for
turning 10 years old this week, which is the exact amount
of time it takes for someone to explain to me
what the hell Bitcoin is. [ Laughter and applause ] -“It’s an interlocking — You got three
or four blockchains, it’s impossible to break.” [ Laughter ] -Thank you, “Trick or treat,
smell my feet,” for escalating way too quickly. Wait. Wait. Wait. Whoa. Whoa.
[ Light laughter ] You don’t like that one? Wow, they didn’t like that one. I think that’s a funny one.
Trick or treat, smell my feet. -Yeah, “Trick or treat,
smell my feet,” it’s like, “What?” -Yeah, you took it
to a different level. -Hmm. -This joke will never see
the light of day. [ Sad piano music playing ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ ♪♪ I’m having a great time.
Thanks for — [ Laughter ]
-Come on! Don’t be like that. You can do it. -Thanks for inviting me. -Oh, come on. Did you write that joke? Did you write
that thank you note? That was yours, wasn’t it?
-What’s that? -People liked it.
They really liked it. I mean, we shouldn’t put it
on air, but they loved it. [ Cheers and applause ]
-They did? Thank you, guys!
-Yeah! [ Bob Seger’s “Old Time
Rock ‘n’ Roll” playing ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Music stops ] [ Music restarts ] ♪♪ ♪♪ -Mark! [ Music restarts ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Music stops ] [ Laughter ] It’s too late, Mark. [ Laughter ] -Oh, he dropped.
-Oh, he dropped it. -Oh.
-Oh. [ Audience “aws” ] [ Sad piano music playing ] [ Laughter ] -Now we’re back
to where we started. [ Laughter ] -That was the night
when the saxophone dropped. Hot sax.
-They found it? What, they found it?
They found it! He’s got it! He’s got it! He’s going to give it to him
right there! He’s got it!
Hey, he’s got it! [ Bob Seger resumes ] ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Music stops ] [ Laughter,
microphone feedback ] [ Note-writing music playing ] Thank you,
daylight savings time, for giving us
an extra hour of sleep. I think I speak for everyone
when I say that extra 60 minutes is totally worth waking up
in complete darkness for the next four months. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, Apple, for releasing
70 new emojis this week. Finally, a simple way
to let people know I just saw a swan
with a lacrosse stick lotioning up a raccoon
on a skate board. [ Laughter and applause ]
Finally! Thank you, beef jerky,
for being the only time we’re like, “a bag
of loose dehydrated meat from the gas station?
Sign me up!” [ Laughter and applause ] Loose dehydrated meat. Thank you, curly fries for not
being called perm-tatoes. There you go, everybody!
Those are my thank you notes!